How Well Do You Practice Empathy?
How Well Do You Practice Empathy?
Empathy—that quality of recognizing and understanding another person’s desires, beliefs and emotions—is one of the most important, and challenging, skills we can ever acquire. It fosters meaningful relationships, reduces prejudice and negative assumptions, encourages honest communication and can help avert violence. Studies have found that people high in empathy are more confident, sensitive and assertive, and they enjoy better physical and mental health. Often described as standing in another person’s shoes or looking through the other’s eyes, empathy connects us human-to-human.
Empathy is not a feeling, it’s something that we can work on improving.
Key Practices
Here are a few key practices you can try.
Ask clarifying questions: If I don’t know enough to understand and empathize with another’s dilemma, I can try to increase my knowledge by asking questions.
Remember each person’s experience is unique: I recognize that others are different from me and might see and feel a situation differently from how I might experience it.
Change your perspective: When viewing a situation, I try to look at the situation through that person’s eyes, not my own.
Don’t try to be perfect: I don’t need to be right about what I imagine the other person to be feeling. If I’ve misunderstood, I ask the person to help me correct my impressions.
Focus on feelings: I try to focus on the other person’s feelings, rather than on actions or circumstances. I know that when people are upset, it’s better to work through and handle their feelings before figuring out how to solve their problems.
Acknowledge your own turmoil: I recognize that my own feelings and experience in a situation are my own and may be different from someone else’s. My irritation with another person often dwindles when I understand what’s going on inside him or her.
Learn From Mistakes
We can also learn from our mistakes. Here are a few examples of actions that might feel helpful sometimes, but are not examples of empathetic listening:
Offering helpful solutions: If a friend complains about a boss at work, I’m likely to advise that person to find another job, change departments or speak up.
Trying to soften a person’s feelings: If a co-worker expresses anxiety about her relationship with her husband, I’m quick to reassure her that all couples have their little problems, and that she shouldn’t worry about it.
Distracting from feelings: When family members are upset about something, I find a way to distract them or change the subject.
Offering platitudes: I’m quick to remind people that plenty of others are a lot worse off than they are.
Assuming you share the same feelings: When empathizing with others, I imagine how I would feel in a given situation and assume the same would be true for them. We’re all basically the same, aren’t we?
True empathy can only occur when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about others—and when we’re comfortable with others’ deep feelings.
Learning more about how to respond with empathy, how to really hear someone, is a lifelong practice that benefits both the listener and the person being heard.
Author’s content used under license, © 2008 Claire Communications
Further Thoughts
Our ability to see and understand another’s perspective is deeply influenced by our own experiences and beliefs about ourselves and others. If you’re finding it difficult to step outside your own point of view to listen to another person or find yourself stuck in your own feelings when trying to listen, you may want to get help.
At Simmeth Counseling we’ve seen the impact practices like EMDR have in helping to unstick negative beliefs and responses tied to deep wounds. We use this in our regular therapeutic practice and also as an intensive experience that offers longer, focused sessions to work on specific issues for a defined duration.
