Listening Practices: Tips and Traps
Listening Practices: Tips and Traps
Have you ever noticed how GOOD it feels to be really listened to? It’s impactful, particularly when the listening goes beyond just the words you’re speaking. That kind of artful listening conveys respect and value to the speaker, and promotes positive relationships of all kinds.
And, like any art, it takes practice.
According to widely referenced statistics by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, known for his pioneering work in nonverbal communication, only 7% of communication happens through a person’s actual words (38% through tone and 55% through body language). That’s why it’s important to hone our skills to listen at deeper levels.
A good place to start is by understanding the three listening levels described in the book Co-Active Coaching, by Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House and Phil Sandahl.
Listening Levels
Level 1 — Internal: We hear the other person’s words, but our focus is on what it means to us—our thoughts, feelings, judgments and conclusions. We may also be concerned with what the other person thinks of us. This level is useful for checking in with our feelings or to make decisions.
Level 2 — Laser-Focused: Our attention is focused like a laser beam on the other person, with little awareness of anything else. With such strong focus, we are curious, open and have little time to pay attention to our own feelings or worry about how we are being received. Mind chatter disappears with such a sharp focus.
Level 3 — Global: Our attention is spread out like an antenna with a 360-degree range. It allows us to pick up emotions, energy, body language and the environment itself. Intuition heightens as we tune into the deeper layers of what is going on around us.
All three levels are necessary. However, when we spend too much time in self-focused Level 1 listening, our communication can seriously suffer. Engaging all three levels at once, with more emphasis on Levels 2 and 3, can improve how we listen—and the impact of how we are received.
Listening Blocks
Having spent more than 20 years training people in listening skills, Richard Anstruther and his team of communication experts at HighGain, Inc., have identified five main listening blocks:
- Tune Out — Listeners are not paying attention to the speaker due to disinterest in the speaker or subject, thinking about other things or multitasking.
- Detach — Listeners are emotionally detached from the speaker, concerned with content only, not the feelings behind it. They may be only half listening, not really interacting, and miss the message’s underlying meaning.
- Rehearse — Listeners are concentrating on what to say or do next, rather than focusing on the speaker’s message.
- Judge — Listeners have a different opinion that causes them to block out new ideas and information or lose track of the conversation. They analyze and interpret the speaker’s delivery or message, missing the point. They criticize, give advice and make assumptions.
- Control — Listeners don’t allow the speaker to talk at his or her own pace. They constantly interrupt with comments or questions, and don’t allow the speaker to finish a point.
Try This!
Below are a few suggestions for honing your listening skills. Remember, this is a practice, so enjoy trying these out!
- Experiment with Levels 1, 2 and 3 listening, one at a time, to fully understand the dynamics at each level. Try this in everyday conversation, or practice with someone. Take turns telling a story and listening. The results may surprise you!
- Spend some time noticing how often you fall into tuning out, detaching, rehearsing, judging or controlling. What can you do to keep from falling into these common traps?
- In your everyday conversations, or in an intentional practice session with a partner, explore each listening block, one at a time. Notice how you feel and the impact on the person with whom you are communicating.
The first step to developing artful listening is to choose to truly listen. As you continue to develop your listening skills, your communications and your relationships are likely to become increasingly satisfying and rich!
Author’s content used under license, © 2008 Claire Communications
Further Thoughts
Learning to listen and communicate is an important practice for building healthy, deep relationships, but trauma and negative childhood experiences can create blocks that make listening and sharing much more difficult than they already are. And that includes learning to listen or to tune in to our own emotions as well as how to listen to others without owning their emotions.When we can’t get out from under our own negative beliefs, it isn’t enough just to practice listening.
Therapies like EMDR, that are a core part of our practice at Simmeth Counseling Group, are effective at helping address the hold negative beliefs and emotions can have over our ability to be our best selves. If you’re finding yourself stuck as you work on improving communication in your relationships, you may want to get help.
